Thursday, August 23, 2012

On Leaving This Place

This is how I felt two weeks ago:

I feel like I'm being torn apart, just ripped down the middle by two opposing inevitable forces.  I miss home.  I miss the people there.  I miss Utah and the mountains.  So, I'm excited to go back.  I'm glad my program is only two months, not four months like some of the other study abroad programs. That would be hard.

But that being said, I dread leaving.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to leave this place.  It's been a wonderful adventure and the most amazing summer of my life.  I love being here in Europe, in England, in Cambridge.  This place is charming and filled with so many interesting people and such rich history.  I love exploring and discovering new favorite places.  There still so much I want to do here.  I'm going to miss the opportunities, the excitement, and the people.  I'll miss the Sainsbury chocolate runs and the amazing waffles in the servery.  I'll miss my cute little flat and our late night olympic parties.  I'll miss studying, living, and learning in old, aesthetically pleasing places.  I'll miss the English countryside, the gardens and the Cam.  

It scares me that this opportunity is coming to an end.  This has been my dream for so long.  For the past three and half years, I've had this as the long-term goal in the back of my mind.  I always knew that eventually, I would do the Cambridge PKP Summer Programme.  And now that it's over, I don't know what's next.  I don't have any plans beyond this.  Of course there's graduation and graduate school but that's still a fuzzy, distant haze down the road.  

This is how I felt one week ago: 

I've come to the realization that I don't have to be sad about leaving.  I don't have to make myself depressed.  I don't have to start missing things even before I've left. I don't want to spend my last week looking with longing at everything as I see it for the last time.  I don't have to be unhappy about leaving.  Yes, Cambridge is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'll never be in the same position that I am now, but it's been an amazing experience and its okay that it's ending.  I have tons of memories and thousands of pictures to remember it by. I've lived life and I've lived it to the fullest.  

I've had my dream.  Now it's time to find a new dream.  

This is how I'm feeling right now:

Well, I guess its a combination of the two extremes.  I'm really excited that in approximately 48 hours I'll be reunited with the people and places that I love.  But, its weird that I'm leaving.  I don't think it's fully hit me how much I'll miss it here and how hard the transition will be (and I'm not just talking about jetlag).  The places and faces I've seen every day will be gone and I'll have to start over.

I still worry about what's next.  I don't like not having a long term plan.  I don't like not knowing where I'm going.  I feel like I'm stepping out into the void.  The pavement ends here.  And soon I'll be stuck in the liminal space between point A and I-don't-know-what.  

I guess there's nothing I can really do about it right now though.  I just hope that my hopes are realized.  I hope that whatever happens, I'll be ok.  I hope I can find my next path.  

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